“Grief, after the initial shock of loss, it comes on in waves. When you are driving alone in your car, while you’re doing the dishes, while you’re getting ready for work…and all of a sudden it hits you-how very MUCH you miss someone or thing, and your breath catches, and the tears begin to flow, and the sadness is so great that it is physically painful!”
Greif is such a personal thing. We can grieve for so many reasons, and on so many levels; each of us responding so very differently.
Grief and sadness can come from many sources… loss of a person you hold dear, someone’s health, a relationship of some sort, a family pet, a job, a home, an unjust situation, a sentimental treasure. Although each of us can feel it a little differently; we all have the common thread of an emptiness, and loneliness in our emotions when it is something we grieve for deeply.
In recent years (about the last 5 or so) my family has experienced a seemingly large number of personal losses. I watched as my LEO husband lost both of his parents within a matter of months, all three of my grandparents, a heart attack, a few friends that had been ill, along with sudden and surprising losses of five college/high school age friends of my children, and our family friends, along with losses of co-workers through illness and age. Knowing loss is a part of life does not make it any easier.
Having recently experienced the sudden and completely unexpected loss of my best friend of over 20 years, my kid’s second mom in effect. (She was only in her mid 40’s with 3 young adult children.) It was such a shock, that for quite a while I felt like I was having an out of body experience. The loss can only be described as extremely lonely, a dark hole, an aching loss.
As I attempted to deal with this deep, profound loss; I realized I had not completely dealt with all of the former ones. Not completely. Not as I had hoped to have had.
As I have listened to my husband over the years speak of the horrific and sad situations he has had to experience on the job…and how people react at the scenes and the notifies…I guess in my grief I did not want to be “one of those people”.
You know, one of those who completely loses it, falls to their knees, make that completely primal sound one only makes when the they are so distraught, raw, and devastated. One of those, weak, who crawl into a ball and sleep for a month, because they are so exhausted by the loss and sadness, and don’t stop crying.
Nope, not me. I am going to hold it together, make my husband proud of how I can handle the sadness, the loss. I refuse to be “one of those”. I have to be strong for my children, and for her family…just like him. He doesn’t need to worry about me. I can handle anything. (Well, just about.)
I realized though, with the loss of my Bestie, my confidant, my chosen sister, who knew all the things I would not share with my husband over the years, those silly things he would find ridiculous to worry about…. I realized that I have not been trained to compartmentalize like he has. This time, it was overwhelming.
I have not had first hand experience of witnessing the things my husband has had to witness in his almost 30 years on the job. His ability to slowly, and over time, be able to NOT have the same outward reaction most of us out of uniform have. To be able to feel that sadness, yet still be calm and stoic. In some respect similar to those of the Greatest Generation, who were strong, and never spoke, or broke down over the horrible things they witnessed in war.
I like many LEO spouses, only have our imaginations to try to empathize with them, what our LEOs have seen and heard over the years and care to share with us. (Unfortunately, I really do have a very vivid imagination, and I have learned to not over react to most things)
I have listened to him, allowed him to vent, decompress, and try to make sense of things. I however, have not learned that compartmentalizing skill nearly as much as I had hoped when it comes to grief.
As a retired LEOW and someone I very much respect recently shared with me….
“We as LEOWs, and spouses really do need to not place additional stress on ourselves, our health.
We are not them. They have been trained for this, and IF really needed, support is always available.
We keep the home/family life a refuge, a calm place, unlike the chaos of their work life.
We handle the most of the family stuff, so they can help everyone else.
We however see the notifications each day about another officer shot, or killed, or injured as they were out doing the jobs they love.
We see and hear the reports about LEOs being targeted, just because they do what they do.
We as LEOWs and spouses have plenty of things to concern/worry ourselves with daily in addition to all of this. Our families, our children, our health, our jobs, our finances, take up a ton of our day-to-day worries even if not always realizing it.
We sometimes…. just sometimes, need to remind ourselves it’s okay to grieve like one of those do.”
