Few things in the world are more powerful than a positive push. A smile. A word of optimism and hope. And you can do it when things are tough. –Richard M. DeVos
A healthy marriage is positive. Negative things exist, but the positives heavily outweigh them. In a police marriage, the nature of the occupation, the side of human nature the officer sees on a regular basis and the internal conflict of the bureaucracy all create a mountain of external negativity which affects many officers deeply. Police spouses have the task of trying to make home a safe haven full of positive energy where he feels safe and can refill his coffers. By following a few steps, this task can be simpler.
Little Issues
He left his uniform in the middle of the bedroom floor. She's sleeping on the couch fully dressed with his dirty boots on. He rushed in after shift, ate your breakfast so fast he couldn't have possibly tasted it and ran off to court without so much as putting his dishes in the sink. Marriage is full of little things which aggravate. The unpredictability and unusualness of an occupation in police work adds to the little annoyances. When a spouse understands these things will happen and especially that his or her partner did not do it just to aggravate, it is easier to let go of the negative emotion. Turn the situation into a positive one by visualizing what you are grateful for. You have a spouse who works hard in an honorable profession. He is responsible and honors his commitment to the citizens he has vowed to protect and serve. He came home safe. Looking at the positive aspects will make the walk to the sink with his plate a bit easier.
Be Nice
This seems like it would be easy. Some of the time, it is. Other times, it’s gut-wrenching to force your face into a smile. If you find your spouse is having a hard time letting go of the negativity of work, let him know. Then agree to talk later. Trying to have a conversation with someone who is caught up in the bad will only draw you in and make you feel negative as well. Sometimes to be nice, you just need to remain silent.
Small Gestures
Friendship, support and mutual respect are so important in keeping a marriage positive. Continuing to show love for your spouse even when they are being negative can be difficult, but it is by no means impossible. Like marriage itself, you must work on it. Try asking, what do you need right now? Most of the time, he will just need you to sit quietly with him so he can feel your warmth and your love.
Agree to Disagree
Some problems will never get solved. A marriage consists of two separate beings. Once both partners acknowledge that not every argument will have a solution, it will be easy to spot which ones fall into this category and keep negativity from surfacing. Listen to and respect the other person's position. Keeping positive in the interaction is more important than finding a solution. Try not to blame or get critical. Attempt to see your spouse's perspective. Sometimes you have to discuss the issue out of sight of each other, such as on the phone. Habits, such as rolling your eyes, won't be visible to the other and can't infuse the conversation with negativity.
Negativity can be infectious. The negative aspects of police work affect the officer and the officer, in turn, affects his spouse. The first key to combating this is to be aware of it. Don't let it continuously seep into your household infecting everyone inside. Make a conscious effort to remain positive. Visualize moments in your relationship when you were the happiest, such as your wedding day. You were filled with positive emotion. The room was filled with positive energy. This energy can be recreated wherever you are. In her book, Cops Don't Cry: A book of help and hope for police families, Vali Stone offers these tips:
- Be understanding and patient. Try to understand how the officer's job affects him.
- Be flexible... you must give your family stability and at the same time be able to yield to the changes you'll encounter.
- Learn to forgive. When times get tough sometimes people say things they don't mean.
- Develop a sense of humor. Laughing is proven to heal the heart and get you through some pretty trying times.
- Give praise. Tell each other that you are doing a good job.
- Don't nag. The officer has enough people doing that at work that he doesn't need to hear it at home as well.
- Be positive. An upbeat and positive attitude is like a good sense of humor; it can overcome any problem.
There have been numerous times in my marriage where I have wanted to throttle my husband. Being nice and positive was the last thing I wanted to do. But the times I forced myself to look past the actual situation, remember the good times and focus on the way I wanted my relationship to be (and often after a bit of Yoga), I was able to look at the man I loved and understand he didn't create the negativity to annoy me. It is just a part of his job and life. Stone explains beautifully: “Working at any relationship is difficult at best, but a police lifestyle is definitely a challenging one. Be assured that it can also be a rewarding and exciting relationship if you first accept that the officer works an emotional job with extremely high demands and that he must make an immense commitment to the job. You can then be more sympathetic to his case, and when times get tough you'll find that you need not search too deeply to admit that you are very proud of what he does and that you truly do love him.”
Visualize your love. Truly feel the positive. Then, show him.
