“Thank you. It’s nice to just have someone to talk to.”
This was how a teenage boy ended our 40 minute crisis intervention recently. As part of our integrated mental/medical health model, we hold hours at several of the local schools. During this time, students, teachers and family members can come in and talk to a crisis counselor and/or receive basic medical care. They can also get information and referral services. My partner and I, both cross-trained crisis workers and EMTs can provide a wealth of services to meet a variety of needs. But, this young man’s statement to me reinforced the main thing he needed: a person to hear him.
What did we talk about: Finding yourself, what’s normal, real vs imaginary worlds, politics, current events, change. The list goes on and on. The intervention started with a very anxious, hyperkinetic, clearly uncomfortable youth and ended with three people comfortable and engaged in discussing life and how challenging it can be. It was quite beautiful. Then he ended it with this statement and it reinforced why I love working with youth. Also, it reminded me how so many people find working with them challenging. Many adults feel like they don’t know what to say, like they’re talking to an alien species. What I’ve found working with youth for many decades is that like adults they are unique beings with a wide range of ability to communicate and capacity for self-reflection and understanding. I feel an important part of communicating with youth is recognizing the platforms of which both people stand. I use a lot of my life experience and my perspective as a 40-something to connect with youth. I acknowledge that foundation with them. I want to hear and understand them from their platform of a young person. Both sides always have so much to gain from truly listening and speaking. Often adults talk down to them or they try to be on the same level with them. Neither of these approaches invites rapport or connection.
Treating them like children
Depending on what age group you work with, I’ve found you do have to adjust your style of communication. Being mindful of appropriate developmental stages needs to inform any work with youth. Add to this understanding of trauma-informed care and how certain mental and physical conditions affect youth and you have the template for great communication and really connecting on more than a superficial level. Tone, volume and complexity all need to be adjusted to meet the youth where they are at. How you talk to a 5 year old is going to look very different from how you talk to a 15 year old. Throw in things like social anxiety, autism, and cultural aspects and every discussion should sound very different even when the speaker is the same. What I have learned is that adolescents rebel against adults who they feel are talking down to them or treating them like babies. Remembering that although they are not fully mature and that their frontal lobes are not completely developed is important but so is showing an understanding that they have the ability to self-regulate, self-reflect and are autonomous humans. If you don’t understand or aren’t following what they are describing, say so. Ask for clarification. Help them help you understand where they are coming from. It’s okay not to know even though it seems as adults we’re afraid to show that. It doesn’t make you incompetent; it makes you a good listener.
Being on the same level
On the other hand, many adults who work with children attempt to communicate and relate to youth in a way that feels more friend than mentor. This is a fine line. Often it’s okay to be the cool older sister or cousin. It’s usually not okay to try and behave like a peer. Youth need guidance and they are looking for us to actually do that. They have their own peers and as many of us know this group is the most influential. If they could get what they needed from them, they would have already gotten it and wouldn’t be sitting in our office. In my work, I’ve seen the effects of the absence of older generations. With grandparents and other extended older family members no longer living in the same place, youth don’t have the same discussions around the dinner table or out on the front porch or at the pond. The guidance which existed for generations has dissipated in the economy-driven and transient world that our youth are living in.
This gap creates huge opportunities, and responsibilities for those of us who have the privilege of getting to exist in the world of youth, including counselors, social workers, and SROs. We’re in a unique position to connect with youth and fill a roll of “trusted adult I can talk to.” My job might seem like it’s about treatment plans, follow-up, case management and other mental-health terms, but what it really boils down to is I get to talk to a lot of really amazing young people. Those of you who also work in this field probably know what I mean. Because I get access to this awesome opportunity I need to remember that my ability to communicate on an appropriate level is the key that unlocks this door.
Michelle Perin
Michelle Perin has been a freelance writer since 2000. In December 2010, she earned her Master’s degree in Criminology and Criminal Justice from Indiana State University.
