Defending Against Infidelity

Affairs, whether physical or emotional, are common topics in therapists’ offices, and a leading predictor and cause of a relationship’s demise.  This is as true for law enforcement relationships as for any other, despite cops and police spouses tending toward greater conformity with social mores and traditional morals that you might think would protect against sexual indiscretions.  Why this happens is debatable:  some would argue it’s the shift work and working weekends and holidays, making connectedness to a legitimate partner difficult and opening doors to others; others argue it is because the career breeds a sort of exclusivity, encouraging a sense of being misunderstood and leading to a search for someone who “gets you” more than the one at home; or maybe it’s just that a lifelong, committed relationship takes work and daily maintenance no matter what you do for a living and, without it, we become complacent and ripe for an affair.

Just as on the job, remember that complacency kills

In marriage, we vow to love, honor and cherish each other in every moment, including the choice to never betray our partner by seeking out the particularly intimate affection, emotional attention, or physical touch of another person who is not our spouse.  In committed but unmarried relationships, the vows are often implicit even if not formalized.  To do so risks emotionally destroying the one to whom we made that lifetime commitment but, still, these vows are broken all the time. 

One of the most common things marriage and couples therapists hear is, “I never thought this would happen to me. We were the couple everyone admired. I thought we had the perfect relationship and were the perfect couple and then, one day…”” 

When you dig into the relationship, complacency often plays a starring role.  Avoiding this complacency requires a special mindset, supported by the following principles:

• Realize that affairs do happen and commit to not putting yourself in harm’s way. Have the mindset “I will never have an affair or cheat physically and/or emotionally”;
• It only takes one person to change your life and those around you forever. When you find yourself around that one retreat and turn toward your spouse. Begin working out those hurts, wounds and sources of anger with them that are making you unhappy at home; 
• Educate yourself on marriage and long-term relationships skills. This is a different relationship from any other and needs a survival mindset to last in sickness and in health, till death do you part;
• Know that every marriage and long-term committed partnership encounters really tough times. Expect the bad times. Commit to working on survival skills such as communication during the good times so that they are in place and practiced until they become second nature. It is harder to learn these skills in crisis mode. Remember: repetition and practice save lives on the street; now, apply this concept in building your marriage’s survival mode;
• Check in with your spouse and partner. Ask them how they are doing in the relationship, if they need anything from you and what you could do differently. Open the lines of communication to build safety in the relationship. Be open to their feedback and avoid becoming defensive, hostile or taking it too personally; that will only lead to the marriage breaking down instead of building a future together.

Define cheating early, and adapt to your partner’s tolerances

Early in our dating relationship we had a conversation around how we each defined cheating so we knew up front what lines to never cross. Each individual and couple have different tolerances; where some couples view simple flirting as cheating, others might have an open relationship, although with specific and immutable rules.  While the former is likely most common, the latter is less rare than you might think.  Learn and adhere to the “rules of engagement” early. 

Set boundaries

For men and women to be platonic friends is both healthy and commonplace, and actually has been for several decades now.  Same-sex couples often necessarily run in a social circle where platonic relationships with the gender of sexual attraction are inevitable.  Still, not everyone has the same expectations, understanding, or acceptance of it so knowing if your platonic relationships will be off-putting to your partner is an important consideration – and possible deal breaker.  Even with their acceptance of these “friends only” relationships, openly discussing their boundaries is extremely important to avoid both misunderstandings and “crossing the line” into sexual and emotional intimacy. We have always had close friends of the opposite sex and this hasn’t changed in our marriage, but we are also not naïve on how quickly an emotional affair can start, or cross into the physical. 

Some boundaries we have agreed to include:

• Never complain about each other to another person, but especially to a friend of the opposite sex.  Being consoled by another is often the first step to an affair as it can breed intimacy that turns into romantic feelings;
• We include each other in those friendships and never keep them secret;
• Another friendship will never become more important than our friendship to each other. When something good or bad happens in our day, it is each other we will always seek out first and share more details about our lives than anyone else. We choose to make each other our priority.

Don’t give up easily

Develop a mindset for endurance.  Tough times are inevitable and all couples think about calling it quits at some time or another.  When those times come for you, dig in to problem-solve the answers.  Take ownership of what you are doing to cause the breakdown of the relationship, communicate this to your spouse, and, as far as the responsibility is your own, make the changes necessary. 

Go back to the roots of friendship

After nearly 24 years of marriage, including our share of challenges and ups and downs, the constant in our relationship is staying best friends for 28 years. We remain the center of each other’s daily lives and know it is the friendship that is and will continue to be the foundation of our marriage.

Having worked with couples, addressing their problems and challenges for more than 20 years, we know affairs are often a symptom of relationship discord and problems almost always existed before the betrayal ever took place. There was hurt, wounds, and anger that made one of the partners open to another. Commit to addressing the problems before it’s too late so you have the survival skills in place to endure for the long haul.