Recently I was studying the concept of emotional labor when I came upon a statement describing law enforcement funerals. Essentially, it stated that these ceremonies are necessary. As a culture, we struggle with grief: how to feel it, how to express it and how to react to it. Then add to that the occupational requirement of officers to display a different emotion than what they are actually feeling on a daily basis (surface acting or deep acting depending on the officer's ability to change self). When an officer dies, especially if it is in the line of duty, other officers need a safe, appropriate and acceptable space to express their respect and grief. The ceremony of a police funeral allows them that. I can't think of another place or another situation where officers, in uniform would be allowed (both internally and externally) to express deep emotion including tears. But in reality, everyone and particularly first responders need space to process their feelings. When you have one of these special humans as your partner, it is even more important to have an understanding of this concept. As an LEOW, I feel it is my job to make our home an extension of the police funeral. My person must recreate the safety. Based on a foundation of the wisdom of other LEO partners and those who understand the generalized internal workings of LEOs, this is how I provide this sacred environment for my husband.
Holding Space
Mark Merrill, president of Family First explains, "It's important to understand that one of the best ways a husband can fill his wife's heart is to help her feel protected, by cherishing and safeguarding her physically and emotionally. But safety is not just an issue for women. Men need a sense of safety and security, too." Like Merrill, I also recognize this is not a gendered issue. These words and concepts are important regardless of the gender and/or orientation make-up in a LEO relationship. The point is we need to provide a space of safety as it is often the only one that our LEO has. Without this space, an LEO has no choice but to internalize which will destroy them from the inside out. But, what does it mean to hold space?
Holding space means offering an environment of love, nonjudgment and empathy. This doesn't have to equate to a specific location, although it often means home because for our LEOs it must be someplace they can let their guard down, somewhere private. In his article, "7 Safe Spaces Your Spouse Needs," Merrill outlines three that I feel are particularly important for us: Safe confession space, safe physical space and safe venting space. This space must be built on a foundation of trust and respect. Heather Plett furthers this by adding unconditional positive regard as an essential element. She describes this as, "no matter what the person has done or who the person is, they are held with deep respect, compassion and positive regard." Our LEOs face so much judgment and contempt. We must offer a space where they know they are loved unconditionally, respected and honored. We must be able to sit with them so they can express their feelings. We must be able to sit with the hard stuff. We must be able to wrap our arms around their sobbing bodies and offer them physical safety. Plett describes in The Circle Way, "The circle becomes the space where people feel safe enough to fall apart without feeling that this will leave them permanently broken or that they will be shamed by others in the room. Someone is always there to offer strength and courage." We must become the circle for our LEO.
Bearing Witness
This concept is a part of holding space but I wanted to break it out to discuss it. In her timeless book, "I Love a Cop," Dr. Ellen Kirschman states, "One of the most important things you can do as a family member or friend is to provide witness: to listen to your cop's story without judgment. While this sounds and sometimes feels as if you're not doing much, sharing a story helps to soften an experience that is more horrible if contained in isolation. Telling one's story to an interested, empathic listener is the foundation of all the healing professions and of much religious activity, from confession to prayer." Although Kirschman is referencing traumatic incidents, the concept of bearing witness is important for our LEOs cumulative trauma, the day-to-day, day-in-day-out chaos as well. We must be strong enough to bear witness to our officer’s pain.
Providing Room
In her book, "A CHiP on my Shoulder," Victoria M. Newman describes the concept of creating room for our LEO's needs. Although it's easy to want to fold them right into the daily routine of our lives, after all there is always so much to do and so often we feel alone in doing it. But, often what is most important is for us to recognize they might need some transition time. When they are at work, our LEO is not living in the same space as we are. They are in an unpredictable, threatening world where they are faced with the maddest, baddest and saddest in human interactions. Newman describes creating room for her husband in two ways. The first was the recognition that sometimes he needed immediate time with their children, not her. She explains, "I've come to understand that my husband needs and feeds off his kids. He needs their optimism. He needs their innocence. He sees in them that there is good in the world, and it's worth fighting for." On the other hand, she also recognized the times when what he needed was quiet, alone time to process. "Our husbands need a little space, exercise, time, or sleep to get back on track. We can create room for this, depending on our creativity and our attitudes," she says. This room must have a foundation of "support and love, not condemnation." She further acknowledges, "We all have moods from time to time, and home is the best place to work through them, especially if we give each other the space to do it."
Our LEOs are not robots. They are human. And, as humans, we need each other. We need human connection. What our LEOs deal with on a daily basis, what they see, what they are required to handle requires so much mental, emotional and physical strength. As an LEO partner, we are tasked with holding them, allowing them the safety to let down their armor for just a little while. We protect the protectors and it is a heavy task. At the same time, it is such an honor and I am so proud to hold up the shield my officer can rest behind even for a minute.
Michelle Perin
Michelle Perin has been a freelance writer since 2000. In December 2010, she earned her Master’s degree in Criminology and Criminal Justice from Indiana State University.
