Handcuffed to a Sheepdog

I can’t remember the last time I pre-ordered a book. Honestly, I don’t know if I ever have. It always seemed impulsive-actually even worse than impulsive. You see an item and you just have to have it. So, you buy it without thinking anymore about it. Granted with books, this happened more then I’d like to admit when I entered a brick and mortar book store. To pre-order a book was even more impulsive because I wouldn’t even get to have the item right then. Unlike the old days of layaway, I’ve never held the item and decided it was worth waiting for. Pre-order feels like buying a phantom item. It doesn’t even exist yet. Regardless, last September my never having done this changed and I cannot begin to express the impact this decision has made on my life through my marriage. Let me regress.

Last year as I was studying trauma and stress particularly as it relates to first responders, I finally began reading Lt. Col. Dave Grossman’s book, On Killing.  This led me to looking up his talks on YouTube which led me to his website (www.killology.com). This then led me to Sheep Dog Seminars (www.sheepdogsafetytraining.com) which advertised Grossman’s up-coming book. Co-authored with Adam Davis, a former police officer and inspirational speaker, this new book was written for law enforcement couples designed to “make your marriage bulletproof.” Aptly titled, Bulletproof Marriage: A 90-Day Devotional, its blurb stated, “Together you can make it through anything,” and “Sometimes the greatest love is not to sacrifice your life but to live a life of sacrifice.” As I thought about my yearning to build and maintain a strong marriage, particularly one based on spiritual values while at the same time understanding how those in law enforcement can be hesitant to buy into things that feel too mental healthy and fluffy, I got very excited and clicked, “Pre-order.” I then put aside any thoughts of it until I received the email late December saying it was on its way. Then it arrived and my husband, a law enforcement veteran with 19 years under his belt (plus 8 prior US Marine years) and I started our 90-day journey.

Handcuffed to a Sheepdog

Grossman begins by describing a sheepdog as, “the one, guided by the Great Shepherd, who is willing to fight for, and at times even die for, other people’s loved ones—the innocent sheep.” Although I struggle a bit with the idea that sheepdogs are inherently a different species than those they protect, this is a metaphor accepted by the majority of first responders, aka warriors. It also has biblical reference, so for me that usurps any of my fallible, human cognition. The sections of the book cover six main sections: Foundation in Communication, Pillars of Trust, Conflict Resolution, The Intimacy Initiative, Affirming One Another and Oneness. He describes the book as a “marriage boot camp” and encourages readers to, “make it as great as it can be.” As someone who has spent years in mental health, this all seemed pretty common place. I wondered how this was going to be different and engaging enough to keep my husband and I interested and invested. Would either of us lose interest in the first few days or weeks? How will the lessons resonate with him through an LEO lens and me through the lens of an LEOW? Even with these burning questions and doubts, we began.

Communication

As you have probably figured out, we have just begun this journey using the Bulletproof Marriage, but not by any means does it start out soft and easy. In the first days, my husband and I were doing the readings, each broken up into an explanation and a “Quick Tip,” a section for the “Sheepdog” and the “Spouse,” followed by “Questions for Discussion.” It ends with a prayer. Right out of the chute, we were discussing each of our communication strengths and weaknesses. Not in vague terms, but in, “When I feel defensive, I get aggressive in my tone and my words as a way to control the situation and you.” And, “I don’t want to escalate things when I sense conflict, so I make my tone passive and concede to you.” Real behaviors that trigger the other person and create miscommunication, lack of intimacy and make us lose focus on the fact we should be, “each other’s partner, the ultimate backup officer, and there shouldn’t be anyone else you depend on more than your spouse.” These are powerful words and they come during Day 4. This is not the devotional you want to start if you really don’t want to say and hear things that are honest, transparent and often painful. I feel so vulnerable when I come to my partner for our daily discussion and being vulnerable is not something I’m good at. But, I want to grow and I want to have a resilient marriage. I want my LEO to be my ultimate backup in life and I want to be his. So, I suit up and I show up. And, so does he which makes me love him even more as I know this isn’t easy for him either.

I have no idea if this devotional is right for you and your spouse. I just know that it’s making a huge difference in my marriage. My only criticism is with me being a first responder as well, the spouse section sometimes feels simplistic, but I understand it’s written for spouses who are not also sheepdogs. Sometimes the Sheepdog section feels more applicable to my behaviors and the Spouse section seems more applicable to his behaviors. I guess that’s the beauty of it—we can use it as a tool and craft what we make with it to our relationship’s unique specifications. It’s a trying time for law enforcement and their spouses. 2019 has begun with unspeakable tragedy for our community. Anger and hatred has us circling the wagons even more. For this reason and so many more, it’s more important than ever that we offer strength and support for each other. Facing this world is hard, but I am so grateful that I now have another tool for facing it back to back, heart to heart with my sheepdog.